The Reflection of Myself
by Aishou
Summary: Updated 3/3/02 Hotohori realizes just what he lost when he rejected Nuriko. But with Miaka missing he can't find anytime to tell Nuriko how he feels. Shounen-ai.
1. Yume

The Reflection of Myself  
By Ivy-chan   
Part One  
  
  
I leaned against the window and looked up at the stars. I tried to concentrate on the constellations but soon my vision became too blurred to see the individual spots of light.   
  
I jumped as I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I turned quickly to see who it was and I gasped when I found myself staring into Hotohori-sama's deep eyes. I let my gaze travel over his body and take in the sight of him. He was wearing a light blue robe that was wrapped loosely around him. The front was hanging open and I could glimpse his smooth white chest underneath. I felt my cheeks burn and I lowered my head so that Hotohori-sama could not see.  
  
"Good evening Hotohori-sama. I hope that I did not wake you." I gave a little bow and brought my eyes up to look directly into his. I carefully held back my emotions and made my face be still so that he would not know how I still felt about him.  
  
"Please don't bow Nuriko," He placed both hands on my shoulders, "We are equals."  
  
"Only with Miaka, Hotohori-sama, only as seishi. In the palace you are twice the man I am and a hundred times more important." I turned my face away from him not wanting him to see me lose control of my emotions. A single tear slipped from my eye and I hoped that he would not see it.  
  
"As people," One of his hands gripped my chin and turned it towards him, "We are equals. I am no better than you." I gasped as I felt him gently wipe away my tear. He gazed deep into my eyes as if searching for something. He must have found what he was looking for because he crushed me against him and wrapped his arms tightly around me. Hotohori ran his fingers through my hair and huskily whispered, "Wo ai ni, Nuriko," into my ear before he lightly nibbled on it. I looked up into his beautiful eyes expecting to see only mockery there, but what I found were only love and compassion... and longing, incredible longing.   
  
I blushed and reached up to smooth back the silky hair that hand fallen into his eyes, "I never thought that I would ever hear you say that to me Hotohori-sama."  
  
It was his turn to blush, "Please, just call me Hotohori," He paused for a moment before going on, "These feelings, they have been plaguing me for some time, from before Miaka arrived in our world. My heart as been screaming ever since to let you know and to take you in my arms so that I could always protect you. Tonight... tonight my control broke and I just had to let you know. I don't think I could live without you by side. I only hoped that your feelings for me had not changed. You looked so beautiful, and yet so lonely and lost, standing by the window with the moonlight streaming through your hair. I just could not hold myself back." I thought for a moment that his eyes were full of loneliness and sadness, but the emotions flashed too quickly for me to tell. He leaned down and captured my lips in a searing kiss.   
  
***  
  
I sat straight up in bed. It took me a moment before I realized who and where I was. I quickly shook my head and pulled the covers off of me.   
  
I wonder what awoke me so suddenly... I thought as grabbed my robe and threw it around myself.  
  
Hotohori's lips were pressed tightly against mine and his hands were tangled in my hair, which was down and around my shoulders.  
  
The image flashed before my eyes as I stood up. The memory of my dream was so vivid that for a moment I thought that it was real. Even though I was disappointed that it wasn't, I quickly shrugged it off and shuffled over to the door leading out into the hallway.   
  
The hallways of the palace were quiet at this time of night and I could hear my every footfall sounding on the wooden floor and echoing back to me. I tried to walk more quietly, not wanting to walk anyone. I gave a sigh of relief as I reached the carpet, glad that I wouldn't have to hear the hollow echoing of my footsteps. That's how my life was, empty and hollow. It had no meaning.  
  
I turned into the library and swiftly went across the room and opened the door leading onto the balcony. Before stepping out I noticed that someone had left a fire burning in the fireplace. I almost went to sit by it, but I preferred the feel of the openness of the outdoors to the cramped library.  
  
I settled down on the edge of the railing and looked out across Konan. Many of the lights from the capital could be seen from where I was standing and I gazed out at them as I sank into thought.  
  
Years and years ago, I had a sister. She was the light of my life and all I wanted was to protect her from harm's way, but I failed.  
  
Every Sunday, Mother would have Korin and I walk down to the market to pick up food for our family dinner. On these days the entire family would get together, including all the grandparents and cousins, and each individual family unit would bring a couple of dishes for us to eat. It was Korin's favorite day of the week. All of the little cousins worshipped her and she loved having their undivided attention.   
  
The little stall where Mother preferred to buy her potatoes was across the street. Usually, I would let my little sister go ahead of me so that I could watch her, but that day I had been in a hurry.   
  
I rushed ahead of her and as soon as I was on the other side I turned to grab her hand. I saw her standing in the middle of the street and I watched as a cart flew towards her as if in slow motion. I yelled her name and hoped that she would hear me and move out of the way. It seemed like it took hours for the cart to come in contact with her. In seconds she had been trampled by the horses. I ran out into the road and grabbed her. I held her limp body close to mine and screamed out her name, willing her to come back to us. I wouldn't let go her. I just would not accept that she was gone from my life forever.   
  
I sat there like that, holding Korin in my arms with tears running down my face, soaking her dress, until a friend of the family finally pried me away from her cold and stiff body and he lead me away.   
  
I don't remember the rest of the day, but somehow I ended up at home. When I woke up the next morning, I was not in my bed. I had been sleeping in Korin's bed. As I stepped out of bed, I realized that I was also wearing one of her nightgowns. At first I was appalled at this, but then my face softened as I took a piece of the fabric up to my nose and inhaled her scent. I turned and looked at the mirror, and instead of seeing myself reflected back, I saw Korin. I was mesmerized by the image. It took several moments realize that it was indeed me, and not Korin. I decided from that moment on, Korin would live through me.   
  
For months my parents tried to stop me from wearing Korin's clothing, but when none of their ideas worked, they gave up and let me do as I wished.  
  
And years later, I ended up here, in the palace, competing with other women to become empress. I fell in love with Hotohori-sama the moment I saw him and I've wanted him to be mine ever since. Everything was going according to plan until Miaka showed up. Not only did Hotohori-sama fall in love with her, but Miaka also told him that I was not a woman, but a man!  
  
I knew that he would find out sooner or later that I was not what I was saying I was, but that was not the way I had intended for him to find out. Now I will never have a chance with him. Since we are both Suzaku Seishi, he is generally nice to me, but I know, deep down he must be disgusted with me.  
  
I turned away from the view of Konan with disgust and returned to the library. I stopped as I was about to leave the room and stared at the window looking out over Konan.   
  
That was the window I had been standing by in my dream. Could it come true? I let out a soft snort. Of course not baka. Your dreams will never come true.  
  
I turned away from the window and made my way back to my room and hoped that I would have no more fantasies interrupting my sleep. I welcomed the nightmares to come tonight.  
  
***  
  
I walked down to the kitchen late the next afternoon to grab something light to eat. When I walked in, Miaka was sitting at the small wooden table pigging out on a plate full of deep fried fish. In seconds the plate was cleared and she was asking for more.  
  
"Oi Nuriko!" She called out as she shoved a forkful of some unidentifiable food into her mouth.  
  
"Ohayo Miaka-chan!" I forced myself to sound cheerful and I slipped easily behind the mask that I had made for myself. No one would ever know what was truly in my heart. I flashed her a smile and waved to her as I left the room.  
  
It wasn't that I didn't like Miaka. I do. It's just that I'm jealous of her. Hotohori-sama is in love with her and he will not accept anyone else but her. In the beginning I was mad at her, but I know now that she loves Tamahome and not anyone else. There are even times when I feel for Miaka what I feel for Hotohori-sama. That special feeling, it's as if something is stirring deep within my heart.  
  
I walked into one of the more secluded gardens and sat down on the edge of a water fountain. Hotohori-sama made sure that the palace grounds were always well kept and this garden showed it. It was extremely beautiful and also one of Hotohori-sama's favorites. I don't know why I chose to sit here. Hotohori-sama is one of the last people I want to see when I am vulnerable like I am now, so when I heard footsteps on the garden path I almost bolted.   
  
Just as I was standing I heard a voice, "Plant your butt right back down Nuriko. We need to talk." I complied and sat back down. Tamahome walked over and settled down next to me.  
  
"Oh we do, do we?" I flashed him one of my smirks and squinted up at him through the sunlight. "And what do we have to talk about?"  
  
Tamahome stared vacantly at the rushing water from the fountain for a moment before replying, "What is wrong Nuriko? You don't seem to be the Nuriko that I first met."  
  
I dropped my gaze to my lap and idly twisted my hands into knots, "It's nothing Tamahome. I'm fine," I paused for a moment to look at him again, "Really Tama-chan, I'm fine."  
  
His face grew concerned and he studied me before he answered, "If you need to talk about it Nuriko, just come find me. I always have a shoulder for you to lean on."  
  
"Arigatou Tamahome," I watched him as he stood up and walked out of the garden. How can he see through me so well? I dropped my hand into the water and watched the ripples spread out from my fingers.   
  
Without my noticing, tears began to slip down my face. I quickly wiped them away and stood up. I left the garden just as I heard footsteps on the path behind me. I picked up my pace and began to jog. Hotohori-sama's voice called out from behind me, "Nuriko! I want to talk with you!" I continued to run as if I hadn't heard him.  
  
***  
  
Late that night I walked through the library trying to find a book to read. I was having trouble sleeping. As soon as I found a book that looked boring enough to put a statue to sleep, I walked over to one of the cushioned chairs and sat down. Someone had left a fire going again and I basked in its warmth.  
  
I opened up the book and set it on my lap. The light of the flames flickered across the pages and I settled into the chair. Before long I was caught up in the story and I felt as if I were one of the characters in the book. Guess you really can't judge a book by its cover. I lost track of time and I soon began to doze off in the chair.  
  
***  
  
I threw back the covers in distaste and shoved my feet over the side of the bed. I ran my fingers through my long hair trying to untangle it. I shuffled over to the bay window in my room and threw open one of the windows and let the cool air wash over my inflamed skin. I sighed and leaned my head against the window frame and stared out into the night sky.   
  
I let out a long sigh and grabbed my robe before walking out of the room and down the hall. When I reached the library I was surprised to find someone else occupying my chair by the fire. I tiptoed over to the chair and quietly peeked over the back to see who it was. I smiled softly at my discovery. I never knew Nuriko liked to read books.   
  
I carefully pried the book out of his hands and stared down and the cover in awe. Not only had Nuriko been doing the last thing I ever thought I'd see him do, but he had also been reading my favorite book! I chuckled softly and set it down on one of the nearby tables.  
  
I turned and began to walk away, but something made me turn back around to gaze at Nuriko. The light of the fire was flickering across his face and his lips were drawn up in a slight smile. I walked back to the chair and leaned over to pick him up. Once he was securely in my arms, I carefully walked into Nuriko's bedroom and slipped him under the covers. I gently brushed the hair out of his face before turning to leave the room.  
  
"Hotohori-sama…"  
  
I glanced back at Nuriko and was ready to ask him what he needed when I realized that his eyes were still closed in slumber. I slowly shook my head. He must be dreaming. I sighed and shuffled out of the room. Why was he calling out my name?   
  
***  
Well, that's the first part! What do you think of it? Now, if I could only finish all my other stories. Please leave a review or e-mail me at VxTylendelxV@aol.com with comments! :D Arigatou! 


	2. Missing

Author's Notes: I don't any of these characters. I only use them for my enjoyment so please don't sue me. Please r/r! Thank you!  
  
The Reflection of Myself  
Chapter 2  
By Ivy-chan  
  
I slowly awoke and threw my arms up over my head to loosen my muscles. At that moment a huge yawn overcame me as I sat up in bed. For a slight moment I thought that my trip to the library had been a dream, but it could not have been. I still remembered the book that I had read so vividly that it could not have been a dream. I must have walked back to my room without realizing it. I shrugged my shoulders and pulled myself out bed.   
  
My back and legs were sore from recent lack of exercise and I vowed to do something constructive today instead of my usual moping. It did not take me long to pull on my clothes and I was just about to open my door when Tamahome burst in, almost knocking me over.  
  
Tamahome didn't even bother to apologize and from the expression on his face, I instantly realized that something was wrong. Very wrong. Before I could even begin to formulate a question, he turned his eyes towards me. "Have you seen Miaka?" He asked in a curt voice as his eyes clouded over with worry and sadness.  
  
"No, I haven't. Why? Has something happened?" My eyes were still wide as shock as I straightened up and placed my hand gently on Tamahome's shoulder.  
  
"Kuso." He bowed his head and was about to leave the room when I grabbed onto his arm.   
  
"Tell me what happened Tamahome." My grip on his arm tightened, letting him know that I was not going to let him leave without the whole story.  
  
Tamahome let out a defeated sigh. "It started last night. I… I finally got p the courage and I asked her to marry me." I was about the congratulate him but he continued on before I could say anything. "She refused me. Told that she had never really felt anything for me in the first place." A tear slipped down Tamahome's face and my heart ached for him.  
  
"I didn't believe her then and I still don't believe her now." He brought his tear-filled up and looked directly into mine. "This morning when I went to talk to her, I found her room in a mess." His shoulders sagged as he sucked in some air and I watched as he tried to relax himself. "I've looked everywhere Nuriko. I can't find her." He buried his face in his hands and I wrapped my arms around him for a brief second before letting him go.  
  
I grabbed his arm as I ran out the doorway to my room, "Come on Tamahome! The palace is a huge place. She could be anywhere." I flashed him a smile hoping that it would cheer it up a bit. I hated seeing him down in the dumps.  
  
***  
  
After several hours of searching the palace there was still no sign of Miaka. As much as I hated to admit it, she most definitely was not anywhere on palace grounds. Which only meant one thing. Miaka left. On her own. I sat down with a defeated sigh on the bank of the lake.  
  
"Gomen ne Tamahome." I put my arm around his shoulders as he sat down next to me.  
  
"It's not your fault Nuriko." He stared out at the water for several moments before once again standing. "I might as well inform Hotohori of her disappearance."  
  
I grabbed his sleeve as he walked by, "If you want, I'll tell him Tama-chan. You just get some rest."   
  
He gave me a grateful smile as he walked away, "Arigatou Nuriko-chan. You are a true friend."  
  
I smiled to myself as he walked away; glad to know that I have somewhere to turn when I need a friend. I pulled myself up from the ground and began to steel myself for the rage that Hotohori would most likely show once he found out that Miaka had left.  
  
I had several minuets to think as I walked through the palace to the throne room. I was still not ready to face Hotohori-sama, especially after those dreams he had been having lately, but I had wanted to help out Tamahome and this was a good way to do it.   
  
Tamahome and Hotohori still were on heated terms as Hotohori struggled with the fact that Miaka would never love him. Deep down I felt really bad for Hotohori. He was in the same situation that I was in and I knew exactly how it felt. Then there was the jealous part of me that took joy in the fact that Hotohori was now experiencing the feelings I had to face everyday. It wouldn't be so bad if I had chosen an ordinary man to fall in love with, but no, I had to choose the Emperor. I dropped my head and sighed sadly as I continued to walk through the maze known as the palace hallways.  
  
As I neared the doors to Hotohori's audience chambers, I saw the guards stationed outside draw their swords and bar the doorway. I shook my head at them. I knew that they were only doing their job but they knew very well that I was one of Suzaku's chosen. "I need to speak with his Highness." The guards glanced at me with a wary eye before they sheathed their swords and opened the door for me. I took a deep breath before walking through them to face the Emperor.  
  
***  
  
I glanced up from the maps and reports scattered all over my desk to see Nuriko entering my chambers. I rose from my chair and pulled off my hat containing my hair and let it fall free around my shoulders. I was trying very hard to show him that were both equals and that I only wished to be treated as another guy along for the ride. I greeted Nuriko as he stopped beside me. I took a step back as he glanced up at me and our eyes make contact. His violet eyes were filled with a melancholy cloud. "What is the matter Nuriko?" I asked, letting my concern for him showing in his voice.  
  
Suddenly Nuriko became nervous and he picked up the end of his braid and started to play with it. "Well… I… There's something I need to tell you." He glanced down at the floor and stared at his feet.  
  
My heart began to beat in my chest as the silence lengthened. I suddenly became nervous as well and I could not figure out why. What could he need to talk to me about? I gestured towards a chair and he gratefully sank into it. I grabbed the chair next to it and turned so that I was facing Nuriko. I ran my fingers through my hair as I sucked in huge breath of air. "What is it Nuriko?"   
  
Nuriko hesitated before mumbling through his teeth, "Miaka is missing Hotohori-sama."  
  
I was caught off guard. I let out a sigh as I leaned back in the chair, "Are you sure?"  
  
"Hai, Tamahome and I searched everywhere."  
  
"Do have any idea where she could be?" I was still in slight shock. What was she thinking? Going off on her own like that?   
  
Nuriko sadly shook his head, "Neither does Tamahome." He heaved a deep sigh and buried his head in his hands. His shoulders looked like they were shaking slightly.  
  
I reached out slowly and hesitantly put my hand on his shoulder, "Are you okay Nuriko?" I squeezed his shoulder slightly, trying to reassure him.  
  
He shrugged his shoulders and brushed my hand away, "Yeah, I'm fine." He stood and turned towards the doors looking as if he was about to bolt. "I'm going to look for Tamahome and see if we can find any clues as to where Miaka might have run off to." He gave a small wave and walked casually out of the room.  
"Nuriko" He stopped in the doorway and turned to face me, "I just want you to know that if anything is bothering you; I'm always here to talk to." He smiled gently at me before mouthing the words 'thank you' and closing the doors behind him.  
  
I sat back down behind my desk. I tossed the papers aside knowing that I could not concentrate on that now. Not when the Miko was missing. Where would she have gone? For that matter, why did she leave? There were so many questions that needed answering. Hopefully Tamahome would be willing to answer some of them for me.  
  
I knew that there was still some tension that needed to be resolved between Tamahome and I, but he needed to know that I am no longer competing with him for Miaka's attentions. I came to terms with the fact that Miaka and Tamahome were really in love. That was not something that I wanted to mess up. In the long run I don't think that Miaka would have made me happy like I thought she would. I dropped my head into my hands as I tried to think of something to do.  
  
Before long though I found that my thoughts were slowly branching out towards Nuriko. He had looked so forlorn. I wonder what's wrong with him. But in the back of my mind, I knew what it was. Me. I sighed and lounged back in my chair. Ever since the evil Miaka had revealed to us that Nuriko was really a man, Nuriko had begun to pull away from everyone. He wasn't always as cheerful as he used to be and he stopped his endless flirting. I had to admit that I kind of missed that. He used to be a person that I could be myself with but I didn't have that anymore. Not with him or anyone else for that matter.  
  
Most of all, I wanted to apologize to him. I now knew what it felt like to be rejected and it hurt like hell. I hadn't even let him down as easily as Miaka had let me down. I shook my head sadly at myself and wondered how I could ever fix the wrong that I had done to him… and myself. I could have just lost the one thing that might have made me happy.  
  
***  
  
I sighed and leaned back against the huge heavy doors. I looked down at my hands, which were still shaking. I wiped them nervously on my shirt and hoped that Hotohori had not noticed my nervousness. It had been so hard to face him ever since he had found out. I always felt like he was judging me every time he even so much as looked my way. He must think I'm a freak. How could I have even dreamed that he might love me? I knew the answer to that though. I've asked myself this question for years and after many hours spent debating it, I've found the answer.  
  
I pushed away from the door and walked quickly through the halls to Tamahome's quarters. It didn't take me long to find my way there. These parts of the palace I knew like the back of my hand. I used to sneak in here late night and grope my way to the kitchen for food. I may not be able to eat as much as Miaka, but I usually eat my fair share of food.  
  
I pushed open the doors to Tamahome's rooms and burst through the doors with a big smile on my face, "Konnichi wa Tamahome!" I blinked at the empty room I encountered. I turned on my heel and was just about to exit when a slight movement from the bed caught my eye. I closed the door and tiptoed over to the side of the bed and pulled the covers off. Underneath them I discovered Tamahome curled up in a ball. I smiled softly and pulled the covers up around his shoulders and tucked him in. I felt a tug on my robe as I turned to walk away.  
  
"What did Hotohori say?" Tamahome opened his eyes and looked up at me with those eyes full of so much sadness. My heart went out to him and I reached out to place a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
  
"He wants to talk to you sometime tonight so I suggest that you go see him." Tamahome frowned and averted his gaze from my eyes. "Don't worry Tama-chan. He only wants some clues to her whereabouts. This has nothing to do with your rivalry with him."   
  
Tamahome let out a sigh of relief and stood up from the bed. "Thanks Nuriko." He gave a little wave before closing the door behind him. I forced a smile on my face before I, too, left.  
  
***  
  
I slowly walked down the long corridors to Hotohori's chambers. If what Nuriko said was true then this wouldn't be so bad. But if he was wrong then there was no telling if I would be walking out of those doors again. I knocked tentatively at the door to Hotohori's rooms.   
  
"Come in." A voice called from inside the room and Tamahome opened the door and stepped inside. Hotohori was bent over his desk scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. He looked up and once he saw that he was me who had knocked; he stood up and quickly walked over to me. He gestured to a couch on the opposite wall as he greeted me.   
  
I gratefully took the seat on the couch and folded my hands in my lap. "What was it that you wanted to ask me?" I glanced up at him and watched as he seated himself in a chair across from me.   
  
The silence stretched out and I was about to ask him again, thinking that he hadn't heard me when he finally spoke, "Before we get to that, I want to tell you something Tamahome." He glanced down at the floor as if he was nervous about something. I patiently waited for him to continue on. His gazed remained glued to the floor as he spoke, "I just want you to know that I will no longer come between you and Miaka. I can tell that the love you hold for her is true and I can never compete with something like that. She's all yours and she always will be. It is evident that she loves you very much." Hotohori glanced up at me with his eyes filled with sadness.  
  
My breath caught in my throat as I contemplated over what he had just said to me. It all caught me quiet off guard. I ran my hands through my hair before I finally looked Hotohori in the eyes. "Arigatou Hotohori-sama. I'm glad that you approve." The later was said with a bit of resentment edging into my voice, but I tried to smooth that over with a friendly smile.   
  
Hotohori returned the smile, "I know that was unexpected, but I'm glad you understand." He crossed his legs and leaned back into the welcoming arms of the chair, "Tamahome, please call me Hotohori. I'm tired of hearing those honorific terms from my friends."   
My eyes widened in surprise at hearing those words and when Hotohori saw my expression he laughed. "You think of us as your friends?" At his nod my cheeks flushed with embarrassment and quickly apologized, "Gomen ne Hotohori. I never thought… I… it's just that you never spend much time with us." My cheeks turned ever redder, "It's not all your fault either though. We forget to include you sometimes because we always think that you are busy or that you have better things to do. Gomen Hotohori."  
  
Hotohori's eyes filled with sadness, "I don't blame you Tamahome. I sometimes forget how to treat the people that I care about. That's how I lost-" Hotohori quickly cut off and averted his gaze.   
  
I puzzled over what he had said and wondered who it had been that he had lost. He couldn't have been talking about Miaka. He definitely showed her several times how much he cared for her. So who could it be?  
  
I was thrown out of my thoughts when Hotohori began to speak, "Tamahome, Do you know why Miaka ran away?"  
  
I dropped my head a sucked in a deep breath, "I… I asked her to marry me and she turned on me. She told me that she was only playing with me and that she never really loved me. I didn't believe her then and I don't believe her now. Someone must have said something to her." My eyes began to well with tears but I quickly pushed them aside before glancing up at Hotohori.   
  
His mouth was in the shape of an 'o' and he looked surprised. I felt a sudden urge to laugh but I didn't. "She really said that to you?" He ran his hand though his hair, "I don't believe it either." He let out a long sigh before continuing, "I guess the only thing to do is look for. Inform the others of our decision and be ready to leave tomorrow morning." I nodded and stood up. Hotohori flashed me a reassuring smile before I closed the doors behind me.  
  
***  
  
I wrapped my arms tightly around my shoulders as I tried to ward of the cold night air. As I cautiously watched the shadows moving between the trees in the forest and asked myself for the millionth time, Why did I run away? It was the stupidest thing I have ever done and if I only knew they way back towards the palace I would turn around a go right now. But I was lost and I was never going to find my way home again.   
  
Tears began to slip down my face and soon I was crying so hard that I couldn't see anything. I knelt down where I was standing and closed my eyes against the pain. How could I have done that to Tamahome? I was ashamed at what I had done. I never really meant any of it. I just hoped he knew it. *Snap* I quickly reeled around trying to find the source of the sound. *Snap* My legs began to shake and I tried to pull myself to my feet but before I could I felt a hand close over my mouth.  
  
"Be still and don't say a word." He whispered against my ear and before I could do anything to stop him the world around me went black. 


End file.
